Confessions of a Self-Conscious, Scarred 20-Something February 19 2016, 0 Comments
I am in no position to complain. What I mean is, there are people who have far worse skin problems than I have. But how I wish I could have a sun-kissed complexion that I can confidently walk with without any makeup on. Yes, it’s a petty problem. But as a lady turning into a woman, it is a big-big deal.
This has been a problem since my second year in high school, covering all my college years — the years I should have been happier, livelier and more confident. If I do not have these monsters on my face, I should have been more sociable than my high school self. Now, it’s more than a year after my college graduation, and yes I’m still struggling with acne – but it lessened since I have enough sleep now. But of course, my long-time buddy left me with a remembrance gift – DEEP SCARS. How thoughtful.
The bad thing about deep scars is that, it cannot be covered with makeup. (But of course you can, using a sponge and a stick concealer. But to do that on a daily basis, it’s impossible). It is not that visible in pictures taken with good lighting, but seeing my face on a friendly distance, oh, it’s horrible. My sister even calls me crater-face or moon-face…or Luna.
I pretend not to care because people will judge me as shallow and overly vain. But deep inside, I wanted to vanish. Even my mom ridicules me for crying over it. But my feelings were genuine. I kept asking myself: When will my acne go away? When will my scar even out? Why me? Why now? And a lot of other questions I dare not to ask to anyone but myself. Cause it’s petty. I became angry. I became frustrated and depressed. A lot of people thought it’s fine with me because my façade seems like so. They thought it’s funny to pick and stare and laugh. But no, it is not -- really. I always knew that having a high-ridicule tolerance will come in handy.
Despite everything, I know that I am really blessed. Along with my other struggles in life, this “petty” problem made me a stronger, deeper, well-rounded person. Now, I know how people struggling with acne and scars feel. I can relate and empathize. And recently, I did a lot of self-evaluation and I thought, hey, looks is not the only thing I can offer. I can do more. And the emotions I expressed a little earlier – that was from before (but I admit, I still get frustrated over it a few times). But now, I knew better.